Thursday, 9 July 2015

The Figo to rule them all.

The Figo to rule them all.

UPDATE (16/7/2015): The car has been sold to a young graduate who is a car enthusiast and will make sure it lives long and prospers.

Please find the original ad below: 

Are you ready to get your first car and commute to WORK in style?
(Or) Are you ready to buy your kid the SAFEST hatch in the country?
(Or) Are you looking for the BEST CAR to take your golden retriever to the vet in while still looking like a boss?
(Or) Do you need a special FRIEND who will always be there for you?
(Or) Do you need an extra FAMILY member?

Then, get the car that does it all in epic style and epic proportions. Seriously, you might not even be ready to read what's ahead. Brace yourself, use the force and get ready to pull out your one cheque book to rule it all.

Presenting the June 2010 Ford Figo Zxi 1.4 (the one with the adjustable power side-view mirrors, bluetooth system and rear wiper.... oh yeah)

Big cars and SUVs all scream the same thing: “I’M OVERCOMPENSATING!”… If you’re secure about the size of your ego, amongst other things, you should drive something that tells the world you don't give a s**t about what they think, because your car averages 19 KMPL!

This Figo (always spelt with a capital F) has been maintained by an enthusiast who believes in one thing and one thing only: epic standard mechanical awesomeness. This car comes with so many features that you should be afraid someone will end up buying it in the time that it takes you to read this awesome informational, educational, almost motion picture version of a classified advertisement.

The Figo.

The Figo.

Here is the awesome equipment list:

Air Conditioning suited for the Mordor that is the Delhi summer: If you dare use the AC on max you better be able to reach a hospital within 7 minutes, else you might die of hypothermia. This beast of an AC is stuff Swedish poems have been written about. Basically since it has descended from the Vikings.

Gentleman Horn: Yes, even though this Figo comes with a stock Ford company horn, there is a….how do you say… je ne sais quoi about it. When you horn that  ^#$&% cockroach biker who is trying to move his bike like a freaking tetris block while you are gridlocked at a red light, he will get the right message along with the fact that you are a suave, cultured human being who cares about the finer things in life, like art… or the environment.

Super AC and Gentleman Horn.

 Rear Seat Space enough for a family of small diabetic Ripos (Rhinos + Hippopotamuses). Chances are you have fat people in your family since most of India is considered pre-diabetic. All these fat people can fit into this Figo with the same ease that they finish their gulab jamuns with after every high carb meal.

Rear Seat Space to make your aunty blush.

Retrofitted Daytime Running Lights (DRLs): These sleek beckoners of light are the envy of every Audi and Mercedes out there. Ze German cars kant figure out how ziz Figo does it. They cower in their temperature-protected garages and wait until the Figo has left their vicinity. Not only do these DRLs enhance the look of the Figo and announce your arrival to the gods but they also let every pesky pedestrian crossing an eight lane expressway talking on the phone and every biker zooming against traffic know that you have a Lakshman Rekha the size of Chuck Norris's round house kick. It's basically like having two light sabers strapped to the front of your car. What's not to love?

Two Lightsabers are always better than one. Lord Vader would be impressed.

- Zero Depreciation Insurance: Oh my god. This Figo has the best insurance gold can buy. Zero depreciation means that, for the slightest scratch inflicted on the Figo due to the pooping of the birds above or the worst of rear-ends by the small-endowed average Fortuner driver who was checking out his iPhone while chewing paan, all you have to do is pay Rs 1500 to make your car as good as new. It's like bathing in Amrit Jal every day. The insurance is also easily transferable to your name. Pretty sure Captain Kirk wished Spock would have gotten him this deal on the Enterprise A.

- 1.4 Liter Diesel Powerhouse: This machine has the heart of a rally car. While other manufacturers put puny 1.2L engines to push around their monstrosities in half clutch mode, this Figo comes with a 1.4L engine that is pretty much the same as the one in the much heavier Fiesta. What it translates to is that it can do the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs. If you want to be challenged by Han Solo and Chewbacca, let me know because this Figo has the Millennium Falcon beat. Oh, and just when you thought this was enough, it comes with 100% manual transmission. Take that, Chewie.


- Single Driver Driven: The Figo was bought by me for my mom, who doesn't know how to drive. She, however, does have a trusted chauffer (affectionately called "The Jag", since his name is Jagdish), who has worked with my family for 23 years and who alone has clocked the complete mileage on the car. Although he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, he is gentle with the car and has polished it twice a month since June 2010 (records and sign sheet available – if you are into that sort of thing)

- Comprehensive Service Records: This Figo has been maintained by Ford's finest. From a basic air filter change to a more complicated clutch replacement, complete service records can easily be obtained since they have all been carried out at Ford's official workshop. In fact, some service advisors even recognize the car on sight since it's so well maintained. It's been given better care than Scotty ever gave the Enterprise.
The car has a new battery (Exide), new suspension, new fuel pump, new engine mounting, new filters, not to mention a will to go on. When this Figo was forged from a single block of pure awesomeness at Ford's plant in Chennai, the goal was clear: to make something that you can put 10 Lac kilometers on and maintain it accordingly. This Figo's covered only 1/10 of that quest. Trust me. She is a keeper.

Speedometer will take you all the way to 88, beyond and back. *Flux-capacitor not included.

- Original Ford Bluetooth Music System: This system is only 6 months old since Ford replaced the original one that came with the Figo when it didn't start one morning. They replaced it free of cost. It has a Bluetooth system that will sync with whichever device you like – quickly and discreetly. It also has a line in for any devices that might not have Bluetooth. For example, a microwave or a washing machine. Yes, connecting your washing machine to your Figo might be an odd thing to do. But I can tell you that this Figo is up for whatever you throw at it. It's like owning a shark with lazers or a bear lion. Dangerous at first but, once you get the hang of it, so awesome that the Game of Thrones anthem plays in your head every time you start it up.

Jon Snow would ride next to you in a heartbeat.

- Retrofitted Door Sill Scuff Plates: These were installed to give the already premium Figo a further touch of class. Let the excitement begin even before you step in. These are not only branded with pure elegance but they also save the entry zone from scratches that may occur when people step in and out of the car.  These sills are unique and let your friend, family, lover know that you enjoy a certain standard that they can never meet, as a silent solitary tear leaves their eye.

A touch of class.. even before you get in.

Be the envy of all the Khan Market glitterati.

- Star Alloy Rims with Super Fast Tyres: The Figo has been retrofitted with 14" rims (upsizing to 15" would have led to suspension issues, which is why I went with 14") with Super Fast Tyres.  One look at the rims and you will be in love. This car has made numerous trips to the IIC and the IHC and has, at every occasion, been stared at by members and non members alike – for the right reasons. In fact, someone important said: "These rims are beautiful. If they could talk, I would give them their own TV show." The Super Fast Tyres are also very adept at transferring 100% of the power output given by the engine (in any gear – that’s right –  ANY) to the road in a Super Fast manner. This is a guarantee, unlike what happened at the end of season five of Game of Thrones. (Is Jon Snow coming back?? Jesus. This is too damned confusing.)

Get stopped at red lights by people who want photos with your rims. Yes, this happens.

- Colorado RED color: 76% of cars sold in India are white. If you add silver and black to the list, you will reach the 95%+ mark. This car is RED. Yes. RED. Don't you want to be in the top 2% of the population? Don't you want to be that awesome?? You know what else is RED? Iron Man's suit. Are you against Iron Man? If you are, you need to stop reading this ad right now and just bang your head against the nearest brick wall because that's just crazy talk.

Stun Everyone.

- Original Fog Lamps: Oddly enough, the Figo Zxi 2010 didn't come with original fog lamps. I too was shocked and secretly cursed the product guys at Ford India. This was quickly rectified with the lamps being installed by the dealer I bought the car from. He also charged me 100% of the MRP for this fantastic favor. These fog lamps are essential for the Indian driving condition where every Amit, Rakesh and Manoj drive with their high beam on because they think it's their birthright. The fog lamps help you see the road exactly in front of you while you use your main headlamps to battle with the illiterati. They play the role of Indiana Jones' whip in Raiders of the Lost Ark, if you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, then I cannot and will not help you.

- Mats, Mudflaps, and Other Knick-knacks: Original mats, original mud flaps and other knick-knacks such as door guards, a key FOB with a built-in remote, and bumper beading with inbuilt reflectors are included in the Figo.

At this point, I would like to invite you to come check it out with a test drive since, at times, it's better to leave something to the imagination instead of spelling it all out.

Final comments: 2.75 Lacs is all this will cost you, which is a pittance when you think about all the pure epic awesomeness you are about to be exposed to.

- Get in touch by emailing me at or by calling my driver Manoj on +91-xxxxxxxxxx to set up a test drive or just to chat... he likes cars too. 

Yours for 2.75 Lacs, but worth so much more.

Give yourself the gift of awesomeness. It doesn't get better than this.

The quickest way to be liked.. not just on facebook.. but, in life.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Figo-man, it is indeed a car of awesomeness. I would have brought this from you, if you were in my hometown (blore). Sob :(